Tuesday, December 6, 2011

D-Day

December 3rd has become my own personal D-Day.  Starting around Thanksgiving I get a bit anxious and somewhat reserved.  I begin to think about the day I was diagnosed with Cancer.  It was two years ago now but it always seems like it was just yesterday.  I have an extremely vivid memory of those few moments when my life changed. 

This year on December 3rd I was taken to a whole different kind of D-Day.  I worked a surreal event.  It was a 70th Birthday Party for a former Navy Pilot.  It was a seven course dinner for 200 with a 12 piece orchestra, five singers, 6 dancers, a Marilyn Monroe impersonator and a Bob Hope/Red Skelton/Jack Benny impersonator.  The dinner portion of the event started with air raid sirens going off while a projection of Japanese bombers were flying overhead.  It seemed just a little over the top

Most of my evening was spent wrangling the talent to make sure our portion of the night stayed on course.  It was the end of the night that really blew me away.  Four of the honoree's friends got up to speak about him and offer toasts.  However, it was his wife who made me catch my breath.  She brought together everyone who loved him, planned an event to rival most major fundraisers and all without his knowledge.  Holding back tears she explained "I wanted to do this for him". 

That simple statement made me think about how lucky I was to witness someone who wanted to give the love of her life more than he could ever imagine.  It made me remember how lucky I was to be standing there two years after the worst day of my life with only a few fading scars because of all the people who wanted to do things for me. 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Absence did it make your heart grow fonder?

Or did you just forget this little blog even existed.  Feels like I've forgotten it existed.  Near the end of August I had grand plans of blogging regularly, which meant at least three times a week.  We all see how that turned out, a little like my plan to run a 1/2 Marathon in December...

Anyway, a quick catch up then I promise now that the Fall shows are coming to a close at work I will be attempting to blog a little more frequently.

Since we last spoke I am happy to report that I had a clean PET scan.  As you may recall last May they found a few abnormal spots on my lymph nodes.  Thankfully my doctors were right when they said there was nothing to be concerned about.  Although I would appreciate it if they would never use "a few abnormal spots" and "nothing to be concerned about" in the same sentence again.  Because quite honestly that's a little to close to "yes it's a terrible case of pregnancy sinusitis but I'm sure it's nothing to be concerned about."

In other health related news, it has been almost a year since I've had a relaxing hospital get away.  The only thing I seem to be struggling with is the occasional bout of vertigo.  Yesterday was the worst with a few trips to throw up.  Today I downed one of the left over anti-nausea pills from my chemo days.  Don't look at me that way one of my nurses said I could!  I'm very glad I took it to help me make it through the show today.  Not that it would be the first time I would have thrown up during a show but I wasn't looking forward to a repeat performance.

In non-health news, I am about to head into a brief layoff.  Next week we head to Denver to see Mom and Dad Chang and I couldn't be more excited.  Yes I'm even hoping for a little snow, sadly a ski trip does not seem to be in the plans this year. 

I'm sure there are a million other stories to share.  Often I'm writing them in my head but somehow they never make it to the computer screen.  So until we meet again my friends...

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Life has a Funny Way of Working Out

In 1990 Garth Brooks hit #1 with the song "Unanswered Prayers".  For those of you who don't know the song the chorus goes like this:
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talking to the man upstairs
That just because He doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Whether you believe in God or some other kind of higher power this song can strike a chord.  For me it's really about all the things you hoped for and would have given anything for (in the 90's for me it would have been marrying one of the members of NKOTB... don't judge I grew up in Gillette, Wyoming) but looking back the choices you made turned out way better in the end.

When I was growing up my best friend lived a few blocks away.  The back of her house faced one of the busiest streets in town.  Often we sat on the fence in her back yard dreaming and scheming about what life was going to look like in the future.  A future that honestly didn't go much further than the age of 25 if I remember correctly. 

Back then I was sure of the following things:
  1. I would graduate from college
  2. I would get married
  3. I would have a great career and make lots of money
  4. I would have two kids
  5. I would travel the world
Of those five things only one has come completely true, graduating from college.    I'm still working on all of the other four and it's even more okay if some of them don't happen.  I know from a recent e-mail (an amazing, make you cry like a baby, don't respond because you don't know how to do it justice e-mail) my best friend's life dreams and plans that were hatched on that fence are no closer to being a reality than mine.

I am positive that I never imagined
  1. I would WANT to run a marathon
  2. I would enjoy spending a day making jam and canning tomatoes and mangoes
  3. I would spend most of my year as a single parent
  4. I would give anything to live closer to my parents
  5. I would be in a fight for my life and win before I turned 40
  6. I would work in Opera and enjoy it
Tonight while canning tomatoes (because it's not hot enough in Houston I needed to stand over a pot of boiling water all day) amazed at how much I was enjoying myself I realized how thankful I am for those unanswered prayers.  That though I still enjoy day dreaming about what might happen if I win the lottery, I love my life.  I wouldn't change a thing!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Bug Warfare

Baby Chang and I arrived back in Houston on Wednesday to enjoy record setting heat.  Apparently it's been going on for quite some time...  Immediately we hit the pool (okay well after a brief nap) it was so warm it was like taking a bath.  Not that I mind, I've become quite a wuss when it comes to cold weather.  We enjoyed a quiet evening in our own beds.  Yes both of us in our own rooms in our own beds it was heaven.

On Thursday we spent time with Little Ms. Bossy.  Baby Chang hung out for a little longer while I went to the most amazing hair stylist.  She's so amazing I waited three months to have my hair cut and let me tell you it was well worth it.  If you are in Houston and need a cut or color call White Salon and ask for Caroline.  You won't regret it.

Friday morning I attempted my first Houston run.  It was sadly NOT meant to be.  Both (yes I have two) jogging strollers had flat tires.  No big deal Baby Chang and I just walked the stroller three blocks to the gas station to get the tires pumped up.  It was a slow amble more than a walk as Baby Chang insisted on pushing the stroller since she couldn't ride.  At one point Baby Chang stopped to get my I-phone out of the stroller, moments later a man honked at us then exclaimed "that just made my day".  "Which part I asked?"  He replied "watching her push the stroller" then off he drove.  I was sure he was going to mention the phone.  At two Baby Chang has become quite adept at using my phone to watch her beloved Bert and Ernie.  After getting to the second gas station to pump up the tires I sadly discovered one of the tires needs to be replaced so home we went. 

That afternoon I discovered radiation has struck again.  This time in the form of cavities.  More than I can even admit too.  Sadly, lack of saliva has done a number on my mouth to the tune of $1100 after insurance. 

Later Friday we hit the pool then had dinner with the Future Tri-Athlete (although she is a Tri-Athlete now so we need to come up with a new name).  Just before dinner is when it happened.  We discovered the bugs.  It started with ants then there was some other unidentifiable creature.  After Baby Chang went to bed and I commenced Operation De-Bug.  Out came the ant traps.  In following their path I found the ants and their friends had enjoyed a three month feast on the cabinet with all the baking supplies and spices.

Saturday morning Baby Chang and I got up early to watch a couple friends in the Clear Lake Triathalon.  They were amazing and considering the heat I was even more blown away at all the athletes.  We enjoyed the morning with the Future Tri-Athlete and her husband.  On the way home we stopped at the Container Store to buy new storage containers for the baking cabinet.  While getting Baby Chang out of the car I noticed what I thought was an errant raisin.  When I picked it up and looked at it, it was moving...  Looking closer I noticed more wiggly creatures inhabiting our car that had been vacant for three months.  I immediately drove to find somewhere to vacuum out the bugs. 

Yesterday, I finally got in that first run.  I took it easy as it was more hot and humid than what I was used to running in.  At least I thought I took it easy but when I stopped I simultaneously wanted to vomit and pass out.  Luckily I was able to keep it together and not end up lying in the middle of the street.  We spent the afternoon and evening with our favorite British family.

Today Baby Chang went back to school (aka day care) and I got the interior of my car shampooed.  It looks amazing.  I don't think it looked this good when it was brand new!  Needless to say Baby Chang and I are banned from eating in the car...  Tonight we spent some much needed time with Ba Ma and Paw Paw (Prairie Dad's parents).

Tomorrow starts the new round of doctor appointments.  Though the big ones aren't until after Labor Day keep your fingers crossed that everyone still thinks the spots on the last PET Scan are nothing.

Well since this has become a book it's obviously time to kill more bugs!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

End of Summer

I have officially seen the signs that summer is over.  All of my life I've lived on an academic calendar.  My parents (and most of my Aunts and Uncles) were teachers so we always had summers off together.  Though I've worked most summers since my senior year in high school I've always had that back to the real world feeling come the end of August beginning of September.

One of the most significant signs of the end of summer as a kid was the start of football practice.  Dad Chang was a football coach and then football ref until retirement.  That was when he had to go back to work each summer and the traveling ended.  Well last week at Bemidji State I watched the Beavers hit the practice field for two a day practices.

Today as I was running through the St. Cloud State campus it was Welcome Back/Move-in Day.  The Freshman were moving into their dorms while upper classmen were out directing traffic.  A sure sign summer is over.

Next Wednesday Baby Chang and I return to Houston.  Where the heat will make it feel like the middle of July, the chores and appointments will surely signify the end of summer vacation.  Baby Chang will head back to daycare and I will be back at work before we know it.

It has been an amazing, crazy, travel-filled summer but now it's time to get back to the "real world".

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Dragons and Cancer and Cake OH MY

Everywhere you go, everything you do is touched by cancer.  There are hundreds of sporting events designated as fund raisers.  Ads on TV and the Internet remind you that it affects the young and the old.  No one is immune. 

Recently Prairie Dad competed with his cast and crew in the Dragon Boat Races in Bemidji, MN.  As Baby Chang and I were walking up to watch his second race a rose ceremony was taking place.  A boat of Breast Cancer survivors had just completed their race and were throwing roses into the lake.  The roses were to represent all who had been affected by cancer.  A second boat of men and women who had been touched by prostate cancer joined in the ceremony.  In their boat one white rose was thrown (instead of the red everyone else threw) to honor a member of their team who was just starting their battle.  Meanwhile the Beltrami County Relay for Life organizers had a tent set up offering cake to all survivors, as a way to celebrate their birthdays. 

As Baby Chang enjoyed my cupcake it dawned on me that this disease has become such a part of our everyday lives that no one bats an eye when an event like the Dragon Boat Races take a moment of silence in honor of those who lost their battles, while celebrating those who have survived.  This wasn't a "cancer" event it was a community event.

Recently the families of two very dear friends have begun their cancer journey.  A mother diagnosed with breast cancer and a grandmother with stomach and esophageal cancer.  Each of my friends are finding their way down what can often be a very lonely path.  Even though this disease affects millions every day every one's journey is different.  Though people can give advice and doctors can tell you what to expect no two experiences are exactly the same.  I hope for my friends that my fight can help them in some way. 

As a survivor you become a member of a club you never asked to join.  The one thing that membership allows is for you to be an ambassador for others.  Someone recently asked if I felt like I had become a cancer guru.  They wondered if I tired of talking about my disease or giving advice to others.  I never mind talking about my experience, especially if I think it will help someone else. 

So perhaps it's not such a bad thing that cancer has infiltrated not only the cells in our bodies but events such as the Dragon Boat Festival.  If taking a moment to recognize the journey many have undertaken makes even one person's path easier it is worth it.  My adventure is only part way done but many people have held my hand and helped show me the way.  I only hope I can do the same for others.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

What the World Needs Now

The world made me a little sadder today.  We spend a lot of time listening to National Public Radio and Minnesota Public Radio in our home.  As you may have heard there are a few riots happening in London and it's all (rightfully so) that is being spoken about.  Due to regrettable violence by the police things have escalated beyond anything England has ever seen. 

What makes me sad about this, okay a lot of things make me sad about this, but the thing that really gets to me is "How have we gotten to a place that this is how we resolve conflict?".  It seems more and more that people (not all people) have forgotten what it means to respect one another's differences.  To understand that we all make mistakes and if we are ignorant about the facts help teach each other.  We all have a difference of opinions and rather than drawing lines in the sand TALK, COMMUNICATE!

You will not always be right and I will not always be right.  We spend a lot of time trying to teach Baby Chang that she can't always get her way and that instead of hitting or screaming she needs to use her words.  She needs to tell us why she is upset.  Sometimes she will need to share or give in even if she doesn't want to, in the end it just may be better for everyone.

Recently, on Facebook there of course has been a lot of talk about what is happening in Washington D.C. or maybe what isn't happening in Washington D.C.  Again this makes me sad.  Not because people don't agree with my ideals or because they have more conservative opinions than me.  It makes me sad to see friends and colleagues who I believe to be very intelligent belittle the work of our leaders by name calling just because they don't see eye to eye with them.  I've seen Republicans called terrorists and Democrats called pussies and perhaps worst of all is the names the President of the United States has been referred to as.  I believe in Freedom of Speech but I think I believe more in the Golden Rule.  The men and women we elect have an extremely difficult job.  They don't always do it well but we need to give them the benefit of the doubt.  If it doesn't work out the way you want it to VOTE!

Adding to my disappointment today was the graffiti at the park we took Baby Chang to this afternoon.  It wasn't obvious or loud and garish, it was hidden.  Written in a place where usually only children would climb.  I only saw it when I happened to stick my head into the small area in which Baby Chang was playing. Someone had tried to cover up the worst of it but alas it was legible and none to imaginative.   I don't consider myself a prude but I have to wonder why it's necessary to deface a children's park in such a way.  By the way there is a T in Bitch.

Have we gotten to a place and time when as individuals we see ourselves as more important than the people around us?  Can't we remember to take a moment and walk in the shoes of someone else?  Does the innocence of our children means less than the freedom of poorly spelled x-rated expression?

Maybe it's time for us all to take a collective deep breath and take a step back to remember what really is important in our world. 

And now I'll take a giant leap off my soap box!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Inspiration

Last fall I started running and after a few weeks (and watching Spirit of the Marathon on Hulu.com) I was convinced I should run a marathon.  I even convinced a couple co-workers to at least run a half with me.  Sadly, due to my Thanksgiving get away at St. Luke's Hospital there was no way for me to train safely.  In fact it took me until July to truly find any inspiration to start running regularly again.

However, I found my inspiration along the Mississippi River in Minneapolis.  It was re-enforced at the farm over the 4th.  Lately I've been running along Lake Bemidji in Northern Minnesota.  I'm averaging 3.5 miles every other day.  Some days it's longer like the five miles I did a week ago and some days I find it hard to finish two.  Many days - like this morning - I start off thinking two miles just make it two miles.  Then the music starts pumping and my legs get warmed up and next thing I know almost four miles have gone by.  The best part of my Bemidji runs is cooling down and stretching by the lake or maybe the chocolate milk I get to drink afterwards.  Did you know chocolate milk is the perfect protein to carb ratio for post work-out? 

The thing that inspires me most to run is walking in the door post run and hearing "How's your running Mommy?" or "You all sweaty!".  In those moments I know that I am running for reasons bigger than myself.  I know that already Baby Chang sees the importance of exercise even if she doesn't know that's what it is.  I'm hoping my habits will inspire her to a lifetime of good habits.  Hopefully, if she can learn by example she won't have to fight the big C or if she has to she'll be strong enough to look it square in the eye and give it the finger!

Now if i could only get her to eat fruits and vegetables and drink her chocolate milk!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Water, Water, Everywhere

When I was pregnant with Baby Chang I threw up every day.  Yep everyday for nearly 40 weeks.  Often multiple times a day.  One thing that got me through it all was swimming laps.  If I could have I would have sat in a hot tub all day everyday but they frown on that when you're pregnant.

After being diagnosed with cancer and hearing I was going to start throwing up again I figured I would be hitting the pool again.  Unfortunately that was a no, no.  Due to the damage that was going to be happening to my skin I wasn't allowed in a salt or chlorine pool because of their drying effects.  At times I yearned to be in the pool.

Since treatment, Baby Chang and I spend a lot of time in the water.  Pools, lakes, the ocean she seems as drawn to them as I am.  Perhaps we were both fish in a previous life...

I've always loved swimming.  Some of my fondest childhood memories involve being in a pool or ocean.  I figured this was because my parents introduced us early to the joys of swimming.  In college I worked at the University Aquatic Center for five years and loved virtually every moment of it. 

Recently I read an article in Whole Living Magazine about the healing powers of water.  I love when someone tells me I'm right...  Anyway, in addition to being a great workout because of buoyancy and the gentle resistance one of the biggest benefits could be a result of the hydrostatic pressure.  Hydrostatic pressure can help in lung function and circulation.  You can get the benefits of hydrostatic pressure in any body of water including your bath tub.

So take a bath and relieve stress while doing the rest of your body good!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Memories from a Lifetime Ago

Whenever I spend time at the farm I get overwhelmed by the unexpected memories that come flooding over me.  The obvious memories of holidays and family reunions are welcomed with open arms.  Every once in awhile though something completely out of left field takes my breath away.

This trip was no different.  The memories started on our drive to Michigan.  As we crossed Wisconsin I was reminded of the first adult road trip I took in college.  It was Thanksgiving weekend and I hitched a ride with my neighbor to spend the long weekend at the farm.  I remember Mom Chang saying to me "you just hop on 94 east and it will take you right to Detroit."  Detroit was meant to be our stopping point where I was going to meet up with relatives and continue to the farm and she would continue to where she was headed.  Well, we hopped on 94 and as we were crossing Wisconsin I asked to see the map.  Her response "what map?  I thought you just said get on 94 and it will take us to Detroit."  Remember this was before GPS, smart phones and google maps.  As poor college kids we certainly didn't have cell phones to call anyone and confirm directions.  So we stayed on 94 right into downtown Chicago, at rush hour, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  We spent a long, long, long time in Chicago that evening.  Interstate 94 was of course at a stand still and we of course over heated.  Eventually we made it to Detroit at about two or three in the morning and I had a fantastic weekend at the farm.  Upon leaving I was armed with maps of Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Minnesota we would have no trouble getting home.  Except for that midwest blizzard...

Probably the most unexpected memory of this most recent trip came near the end of our time at the farm.  I was sitting on the porch swing looking out across the fields when BAM it hit.  I'm unsure of the year but I think it was the summer of 1990.  I was sitting on the porch reading when I heard the phone ring.  The farm phone had a very distinct bell that could be heard well into the yard if the windows were open.  It happened to be a call for me which was VERY odd.  My best friend was calling to tell me that our classmate who had been battling bone cancer passed away.  He had been diagnosed when we were junior high and never got to attend high school.  He wasn't my first classmate to die but he was the first person I knew with cancer to lose his fight.  I didn't understand then how much he did fight to make it as long as he did.

Finally, on our trip home I got hit by yet another memory.  This one was definitely brought on by the flashing lights pulling me over at 3 a.m. but I think I'll save this one for another time.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Greatest Place On Earth

Baby Chang, Prairie Dad and I just spent a week at the greatest place on Earth.  No not Disneyworld or Disneyland but on a farm.  This farm holds a very special place in my heart.  It has been in my family for over 120 years.

The farm is in Michigan outside a small town in the Thumb.  My Great, Great Grandparents purchased the farm in the late 1800's and my Grandparents retired there in the 80's (the 1980's that is).  As a kid we would spend part of our vacation time there nearly every year.  The older I got the more I cherished my time spent at this family oasis became.  By the time I was in college I would road trip to see my grandmother and to be rejuvinated at this special place.

It had been two years since I had been there.  In 2009 we stopped for a couple days when we were on our way to New Jersey for Pairie Dad to start rehearsals for Little House on the Prairie the Musical.  This time we had a glorious week.

We spent our time picking wild blackberries, feeding the neighbor's horses, eating blue moon ice cream and taking golf cart rides through the fields and the woods.  Just before my grandmother died a few years ago she purchased a golf cart so she could get out on the property.  This farm held the same magic for my grandmother as it does for me and prior to her death it was difficult for her to back into the woods.  The golf cart made it possible. Just as it made it possible for us to take Baby Chang back into the woods. 

The farm seemed to weave it's magic around Baby Chang as well.  She was able to run and play outside as much as she wanted something difficult in the apartment lifestyle we have.  Baby Chang definitely flourished and my Uncle thought she even grew significantly in the time we were there.  There were no notable two year old tantrums and she only earned one time out in the week a definte record.  I'm hoping she will love the farm as much if not more than I do.

I also spent many hours looking through old photographs, trying to identify relatives who were long dead before I came into this world.  A difficult task as you can imagine.  On many of the photos there is nothing to identify the person.  A few have the marks of the photographer or the city where they were taken.  I plan to do as much as I can to identify as many as possible but I'm sure many will never be known.  These are people who have amazing life stories like fighting the Revolutionary and Civil War or settling in territories that had never seen white men and women and trading with the Indians.  I wonder how many of my relatives I will come to know through this process.

A week in my personal paradise seemed barely enough time.  I'm already looking forward to the next trip hopefully in the fall or winter.  For now I'll just have to enjoy getting to know the people who loved this home before me.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

It's the Little Things I'll Miss the Most

As we are coming to a close on our time in Berkeley I've been thinking a lot about the things I'll miss about California.  So for fun I thought I'd share them with you.

1.  Lollipop Guy - Even though I only saw him once he definitely made a lasting impact.  Early one morning while on a walk with Baby Chang (I'm pretty sure we were picking up donuts) I hear a man yelling from across the street "Hey Lollipop lady, Lollipop lady!".  I turned to look and he exclaims "yeah you, you're the Lollipop Lady.  I want to put you on a stick and lick you all day!"

2.  TV Homeless lady - On one of my first mornings in Berkeley I saw a woman who I swear all TV homeless people are based upon.  As she made her way to me she was having a conversation with her imaginary cohorts.  She very loudly declared "no I WILL pay full price!"  I'm not sure what she is paying full price for but I hope it's worth it...

3.  Pumpkin Curry - It has been quite sometime since I've been able to enjoy Green Curry from the Thai restaurant near work due to the spiciness.  Berkeley has come to the rescue with luscious Pumpkin Curry.  It is a red curry with large chunks of pumpkin and coconut milk in the sauce.  I still needed a very large glass of milk to cut the spice but I will be dreaming about Pumpkin Curry.

4.  C.R.E.A.M. - This is a cookie/ice cream shop where they will make you an ice cream sandwich with warm cookies right from the oven and delicious homemade ice cream.  A plain cookie will set you back $.65 while a whole cookie sandwich will run you $2.00.  It actually stands for Cookies Rule Everything Around Me.  Enough Said!

5.  What's My Name Guy - Sitting outside of C.R.E.A.M. is a very large man who sits on a bench screaming "WHAT'S MY NAME?" to anyone that passes by.  In response to his own question he screams an answer that is somewhere between the roar of a bear and the Arghh of a pirate.  He follows that with "Yeah that's my name"  He can be heard four blocks away.

6.  There aren't many places that you can drive an hour and a half (or less)and see just about anything you want.  A few we enjoyed:  Santa Cruz boardwalk, Wine Country, Point Reyes National Seashore, Sacramento (the capitol).  While you drive that 90 minutes you could possibly see a 20 - 25 degree temperature change....

Though I'm not sure the sign on the back of my car will ever read "California or Bust" it has been a great month and I wouldn't mind visiting again soon!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

My Worst Fear Coming True

Yep, my worst fear is coming true.  I CAN'T STOP EATING JUNK FOOD!!!! 

When I started eating solid food again my Dad and I had a bit of a disagreement about how much food I should be eating as well as what I should be eating.  In his (very wise) opinion it didn't matter what I was eating I just needed to eat and eat as many calories as possible to regain strength and weight.  For me I knew that it had taken me years to eat the healthy diet I was eating before my NPC diagnosis.  I was very scared that if I just let all of that go, I would have a very hard time going back. 

At the time we had this discussion I was desperate to get off the feeding tube.  Though I wasn't using it all day I was still getting nearly 750 calories as well as lots of nutrients over night through the tube and the pump.  In my mind there was no way I could take care of Baby Chang if I was still on the feeding tube.  But I knew I wasn't eating enough calories during the day to come close to getting what my body needed if I stopped the evening feedings.

So, I followed my Dad's advice and ate whatever I could.  For about a month I lived on hot dogs, poached eggs and grilled ham and cheese sandwiches with lots of mayo.  All were slimy enough to not need much saliva and taste wise they seemed close to what I remembered.  Once I could expand my menu I gave myself license to eat whatever I wanted.  Until recently that menu didn't involve sweets, alcohol or anything spicy, even black pepper was too much.

As my taste buds slowly returned, my eating habits continued along the vein of whatever, whenever.  Now I can't stop eating junk.  If I don't get my daily dose of chocolate chip cookies I can't be responsible for my actions.  I'm starting to believe pizza is a recognized food group.  I start the day making very healthy decisions sometimes I even make it through lunch.  Then we'll walk past a bakery or donut shop and all bets are off. 

Somehow this must stop!  I don't think I get to play the "I'm recovering from cancer" card much longer.  In fact, as I'm writing this I'm making my way through a pint of double dark chocolate gelato and trying to decide whether or not to have a chips and salsa chaser.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A sight for sore eyes

Well, it has been some time (obviously) not because I haven't had time, I just haven't had much to say lately.  Since I last wrote I had my annual PET scan.  I'm still processing that information it has taken me awhile to be willing to write about it.  When I went in to meet with my oncologist to get the results he reminded me that the most stressful part of being a cancer survivor was the follow-up tests.  Right now for me they come every six months alternating CAT scans and PET scans.

Going in to the test I had no fear.  In the month prior to the test I had seen both my Radiation Oncologist and my Cancer ENT and had been given a clean bill of health.  So you can imagine the shock when I was told the scan wasn't clean.  There were some very, very small spots on my lymph nodes.  Spots that physically no one could feel and they are so small a needle biopsy isn't an option either. 

However, my Oncologist wasn't that concerned but he planned on speaking with my other doctors to get their opinions.  As of right now none of them are concerned.  A million things could have caused these spots.  So we are in a wait and see kind of pattern.  At the end of the summer I will go through the next round of doctor appointments and then they will determine if a new scan is necessary.

Most days I don't even think about it.  Other days when it crosses my mind I am completely comfortable with the idea that "it's nothing to be worried about."  I guess today is a day when I needed other people to know what was happening.  Not really because I'm worried but because I needed to get it off my chest and since you have all been along for this ride I thought I would share.  I'm just a giver that way.

In other news Baby Chang turned two.  TWO I'm definitely in denial where that is concerned.  Except on the days when it is oh so evident she is two.  Like the time I almost left her at the San Francisco Airport.  Instead we had a 20 minute stand off.  I would like to think I won that one but really sitting at baggage claim, close to tears, waiting for a two year old to decide she'd like to do what I wanted probably isn't winning. 

We are currently spending our days in Berkeley, CA with Prairie Dad who is performing with Cal Shakes.  Berkeley is a strange and wonderful place.  I've been running through the UC Berkeley campus and enjoying it's beauty.  I also started taking Bikram Yoga classes.  Really this is my kind of workout the room is 100+ degrees so even when you are just laying down you are sweating.  Unfortunately the vertigo is back with a vengeance making Bikram a little tough...

On that note I had to see a doctor here (hey I made it almost six months with no illness).  I knew I was in California when I was filling out the forms before my appointment and for sex my options were male, female, or transgender.  Only in California!

Monday, March 7, 2011

How Opera Prepared Me for Motherhood

I have been astonished lately at the correlations between being an Opera Stage Manager and a Mom, so of course I had to share:

  1. Opera:  On a normal day it is possible to hear the same scene over and over for three plus hours
    Motherhood:  On a normal day we listen to "Cows" over and over for hours on end.
  2. Opera:  For six to eight weeks I watch the same show or at least parts of the same show everyday, then a new one for six weeks, and so on.
    Motherhood:  I have seen Lion King virtually everyday for about two months, before that Little Mermaid, next I'm sure Cinderella
  3. Opera:  For hours on end some one is singing very loudly in a language that I don't always understand
    Motherhood:  All day long someone is yelling at me in a language I don't always understand
  4. Opera:  Diva - enough said
    Motherhood:  Diva - enough said
  5. Opera:  I don't always get to be the good guy and often have to say no, even when I don't want to
    Motherhood:  I don't always get to be the good guy and often have to say no even when I don't want to 
I'm sure there are so many more.  Maybe those of you in the industry can add to the list...

Saturday, March 5, 2011

A Year Later

For about a week and a half now I've been trying to write the perfect post about how it feels to be a year out of treatment (February 22 was the day).  Obviously I have been having A LOT of difficulty putting it in to words.

It wasn't quite the anniversary I had expected a few months earlier.  Back in October I had decided I was going to run a marathon in honor of the great day.  Sadly because of getting pneumonia that goal got nipped in the bud (for this year anyway).  I did however go see four of my friends complete a 1/2 Marathon in Galveston, it was amazing to watch them cross the finish line.  I find marathons emotional on a number of levels but that day I just felt joy in sharing the experience with them.

Last year a dear friend sent me a bottle of champagne to celebrate but I couldn't drink it at the time.  I swore I would open it and toast to good health and fortune this year.  That didn't happen either, only because I forgot to pack it in my suitcase.

On the 22nd Baby Chang and I flew to Denver and Prairie Dad flew back to Minneapolis.  That evening my family and I celebrated with Rib-eye Steaks and Strawberry Cheesecake.  The Rib-eye's because that was truly the first meal I ate or at least truly enjoyed after treatment though long after the 22nd and the cheesecake because Mom Chang asked what I wanted for dessert. 

Other than that I didn't think much about it.  I thought it would be a bigger milestone than it really was.  In fact I think that the anniversary of the first day of treatment or the day I got the diagnosis will stick with me longer than the completion.  Perhaps it's because I'm still dealing with side effects that there is a part of me that doesn't feel like it's all over.  There are days when every sneeze or ache make me fear the worst.  When I'm a little more tired than usual I breathe deep not to relax but to make sure there isn't a strange pain in my lungs. 

Then there are days when I see my strength reflected in Baby Chang.  When she decides to go head first down the slide without waiting for someone to be at the bottom to catch her.  Or when she jumps into the swimming pool submerging herself without know whether or not she will be able to stand back up.  She is fearless and trusting.

She trusts that I will be at the bottom to catch her and that if she can't stand back up I'll pick her up.  Her belief that I will always be there astounds and amazes me.  After a year of Mommy not always being able to rock her to sleep or pick her up when she falls she has no room for doubt or fear.  A lesson that a year out of treatment I am trying to take to heart.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Former lives

Yesterday Prairie Dad and I took Baby Chang to see Sesame Street Live.  I even called in a favor and got us a Meet and Greet with Cookie Monster and Zoe before the show. 

As we walked into the lobby of the arena where all the merchandise stands were lit up a flood of emotions swept over me.  You see about 10 years ago I was working just such a tour with Sesame Street Live.  It was some of the best and worst times of my life.  I saw cities that I never would have chosen to go to on my own, made amazing friends and got fired for the first time and only time in my life.  Okay not really fired my contract was not renewed which in the entertainment business means "your fired".

I left that tour questioning every professional decision I had ever made.  I had no confidence in any of my skills.  Even though I had come to the same conclusion that this company was not the place for me I wanted to be the one to make that choice.  I continued to harbor a lot of unresolved feelings about how I left that job or how it left me until yesterday.

As we were led back to the room for the meet and greet I was feeling very apprehensive.  Then in walked Cookie Monster and Zoe.  As I looked at these larger than life characters I remembered the people I had worked with who wore those furry, often smelly costumes.  Images of the nine months I was on tour came flooding over me and I fondly thought of all those people who touched my life in ways I'm sure they will never imagine.  Those feelings intesified as Bert, Ernie, Cookie, Big Bird and Elmo entered the stage and started to sing.

I watched as those all too familiar characters enchanted my daughter and my resentment began to fade.  As I remembered all that came after that tour I realized it led me to where I am today.  So I sat back and enjoyed the show through Baby Chang's eyes rather than through the cynical road weary eyes of a former life.

THEN (2001)
NOW (2011)

Note Baby Chang's distrust of the larger than life Cookie and Zoe.  She wouldn't go near them.
New friends for Baby Chang, friends from another lifetime for Mr. Chang.





Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Take that 2010

I made a New Year's Resolution for the first time in a very long time this year. So far it has stuck for 31 days. I've been told if you can do anything for 30 days it will become a habit. Therefore, my resolution is definitely a habit. One I don't plan on breaking anytime soon.

I will give you three guesses as to what it is.

Here are a couple hints to get you started:
1. It has nothing to do with weight loss. (2010 took care of that one)
2. Though prior to getting pneumonia I was training to do my first marathon (more on that later), it has nothing to do with running.
3. It was definitely influenced by the big C (cancer just in case you missed it) and pneumonia.

Come on try just a little harder....

Do you give up?

Okay, okay I'll tell you.

I AM NOT GETTING SICK IN 2011.

As of today I have gone 32 days without going to the doctor (at least for me Baby Chang has made a couple of appearances already this year). I'm sure this is a record of some kind. In fact this may be the longest I've gone without seeing a doctor since September of 2008.

Would you care to know my secret weapons? Well I'm sharing them anyway.

I am taking Vitamin C, D and E daily.

Baby Chang is sleeping longer (almost through the night), which means I'm sleeping more.

I am not currently pregnant.

And drum roll please...

I just won't let it happen. Laugh all you want but it's my new attitude.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

A Little Piece of Advice

So I decided in November that after the big C and my never ending pneumonia maybe I should start getting regular physicals. You know "just to be on the safe side". A series of blood tests were done in which my white blood cell count was completely out of whack, my thyroid levels were through the roof and I had anemia.

The anemia was no surprise, neither was the white blood cell count being that my body was still fighting an infection. The thyroid was a different story though. Before doing anything they wanted to run a few more tests. Which of course came back positive for hypothyroidism. Nothing that can't be treated with one pill a day for the rest of my life... At 35 that seems like a very long time.

Of course when the first test came back I was telling Mom Chang and that's when she informed me that she has hypothyroidism, as well as two of her sisters and my grandmother had had it too. So I started doing a little research it could be hereditary. It could also have started when I was pregnant or could be a result of the radiation to my head and neck.

This wasn't the first diagnosis since going through treatment that may or may not have been a result of the radiation or chemotherapy. Last summer I was having problems with my right ear and when a hearing test was done I had definitely lost some of my hearing. Again though this may have been an unfortunate side effect it might also have to do with having opera singers singing full voice three feet away from me.

My point is this if you have to go through treatment for cancer before they start ANYTHING demand they perform a full physical. Make sure they run a full battery of tests. Know what was "normal" before you started. Not that I think it would have been easier to know I'd lost some of my hearing or I would be on medication forever but I wish I knew what really was a result of the chemo/radiation. There's something about the feeling that even though the cancer is gone the treatment is still destroying my body.