My Worst Fear Coming True

Yep, my worst fear is coming true.  I CAN'T STOP EATING JUNK FOOD!!!! 

When I started eating solid food again my Dad and I had a bit of a disagreement about how much food I should be eating as well as what I should be eating.  In his (very wise) opinion it didn't matter what I was eating I just needed to eat and eat as many calories as possible to regain strength and weight.  For me I knew that it had taken me years to eat the healthy diet I was eating before my NPC diagnosis.  I was very scared that if I just let all of that go, I would have a very hard time going back. 

At the time we had this discussion I was desperate to get off the feeding tube.  Though I wasn't using it all day I was still getting nearly 750 calories as well as lots of nutrients over night through the tube and the pump.  In my mind there was no way I could take care of Baby Chang if I was still on the feeding tube.  But I knew I wasn't eating enough calories during the day to come close to getting what my body needed if I stopped the evening feedings.

So, I followed my Dad's advice and ate whatever I could.  For about a month I lived on hot dogs, poached eggs and grilled ham and cheese sandwiches with lots of mayo.  All were slimy enough to not need much saliva and taste wise they seemed close to what I remembered.  Once I could expand my menu I gave myself license to eat whatever I wanted.  Until recently that menu didn't involve sweets, alcohol or anything spicy, even black pepper was too much.

As my taste buds slowly returned, my eating habits continued along the vein of whatever, whenever.  Now I can't stop eating junk.  If I don't get my daily dose of chocolate chip cookies I can't be responsible for my actions.  I'm starting to believe pizza is a recognized food group.  I start the day making very healthy decisions sometimes I even make it through lunch.  Then we'll walk past a bakery or donut shop and all bets are off. 

Somehow this must stop!  I don't think I get to play the "I'm recovering from cancer" card much longer.  In fact, as I'm writing this I'm making my way through a pint of double dark chocolate gelato and trying to decide whether or not to have a chips and salsa chaser.