Don't Cry for Me...

In the past year I have had an extreme change in my weight. A year ago I was at my heaviest awaiting the birth of Baby Chang. Within two weeks after she was born I was down 29 lbs (she weighed in at 8lb 10 oz). Both my OB and I were shocked. I mush admit I was ecstatic I had already taken off all the pregnancy weight I had gained and then some.

Over the next few months I lost more weight thanks to breastfeeding. I couldn't have been happier. Without trying I had gone from a pre-pregnancy size 16 to a size 10. It helped that I was working full time and trying to be a single parent since Prairie Dad was on the road. I often ended up eating a sandwich or something that could be made with little to no noise in an effort to not wake up a sleeping baby, which is a little limiting I must admit.

Then came the cancer diagnosis. Doctors encouraged me to gain as much weight as possible from December 3 through the beginning of my treatments. This was more difficult than one would think. After years of teaching myself portion and calorie control it was hard to just let loose and eat whatever I wanted. Had I known then what I know now I would have eaten very differently. I would have had meals that consisted of nothing but cookies and ice cream or Tex Mex meals drowning in queso, guacamole and salsa. These are the foods I miss the most right now...

By the end of my cancer treatment I was down another 30 pounds. I lost another five after I stopped using my feeding tube and started eating solid food again. Again I am under doctor's orders to gain weight or at the very least not to lose anymore. Now I wear a size 2 or 4 comfortably. Trust me that is a sentence I never thought I would utter and I'm not sure how long it will be true.

For most of my life I have struggled with my weight. I remember being on Weight Watchers before points and long before I could drive. I was never able to share clothes with my sister or my friends. I'll never forget the day that I tried to convince myself that a size 14 at Lane Bryant was the way a 14 should fit and it didn't matter that I was shopping at a store I swore I would never have to shop in.

Until yesterday I didn't see the dramatic change that everyone else was seeing. When I looked in the mirror I saw the same body flaws I had always seen along with a few new ones. Yesterday the family and I drove to Dallas where Prairie Dad is performing for a couple weeks. When I changed for bed and looked in the hotel mirror I finally saw it. I now understand how shocking it must be especially for friends and family I haven't seen in awhile. Prairie Dad is still trying to figure out what happened to my boobs and butt.

I'm not sure I'll get used to being able to wear a dress and not have my thighs rub together. Or grabbing a small instead of an extra large when looking at clothes.

Right now I will admit I'm a little nervous about gaining too much weight back but wouldn't mind a few extra pounds. I am eating whatever I want in whatever quantities I can just in an attempt to get enough calories to fuel my recovery. Since I'm still limited in what I can eat (sweets still taste terrible, spicy food sets my mouth on fire and if something is too dry I can't swallow it) I'm eating food I haven't eaten in years. My counters are covered in processed foods which I try not to think about which goes against everything I believe or that I am reading about not having my cancer return.

Once I can truly eat whatever I want I will eat as much organic food as I can afford and focus on fresh foods again. For now it just is what it is and I have to be okay with that. In six months it will be interesting to update this post and see where the scale and I have landed.